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Business As Usual, Episode 9: Have You Seen Me? (Part 1)

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Bailey, Frost & Myrrh present

Business As Usual
Episode 9:Have You Seen Me? Part 1

Like sand in the Vaseline, so is a day in the life for the folks at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh. In today’s episode, stupidity at its finest! Part 1!

“Yes sir. Yes, sir”

Molly, the overwhelmed freakish-lack-of-hygiene administrative assistant at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh is feverishly writing down everything being said on the other end of the phone. Due to the sheer volume of dry shampoo and sorrow in her hair, the phone receiver is literally stuck to her head, and it has the appearance of David Copperfield-quality levitation.

Today’s Cast Includes:

  • DaleDALE FRENCH
    Assistant Manager
  • MollyMOLLY HOBBY
    Administrative Assistant
  • GregGREG
    Mailroom
  • larryLARRY
    Purchasing Manager
  • dougDOUG
    Lead Computer Specialist
  • BrendaBRENDA
    Customer Service
  • GenevieveGENEVIEVE
    Assistant

larry

LARRY
“Whoa!”

Molly

MOLLY
“Of course, sir. Well, you are the face of the company.”

Dale

DALE
“Who is she talking to?
 
 [As the local branch manager of Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh, he seems offended that his illusion of being the ‘face of the company’ is now shattered.]

Brenda

BRENDA
“Bryson Myrrh the turd.”

PFFFFT!

Greg, the head of sales at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh has… yet again… spit coffee across the room. At least he didn’t self-soil his patchwork pants, Steve Madden leather slip-ons, and starched pink Polo Black-Label oxford shirt… this time.

Greg

GREG
“Holy $#!+, that dude is real?! I thought he was a figment of someone’s imagination!”

Doug

DOUG
“Sadly, he’s real. And he’s beyond stupid.”

Genevieve

GENEVIEVE
“Who’s beyond stupid?”

Doug

DOUG
“Take your pick.” [laughing]

Molly

MOLLY
“Well of course, sir… you are the big boss. I’m ordering it… now.”

Molly pushes a last button on her computer keyboard and hangs up the phone. She turns around to the rest of the employees of Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh with a look of horror on her face.

Dale

DALE
“Well?”

Molly

MOLLY
“I think he may have lost his mind.”

Doug

DOUG
“What was your fifth clue?”

Molly

MOLLY
“No, this is really bad,” tearing up.”

larry

LARRY
“Oh, I can’t wait…don’t leave us in suspense, Molly!”

Genevieve

GENEVIEVE
“Is it something we’re going to get arrested for?” she jokes.

Molly

MOLLY
“I’m not sure yet.”

Dale

DALE
“Do you remember the last time that idiot had an idea? They called the Environmental Protection Agency on him.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“I am not getting in trouble again for that motherfu…”

Dale

DALE
“No one is getting in trouble! I’m sure there’s an easy way to get out of whatever he wants us to do.”

Doug

DOUG
“C’mon, I mean dude’s crazy, but how bad could it be?”

Everyone looks at Molly. She does her best to compose herself. She takes a deep breath and pushes her mane back out of her eyes, getting her fingertips tangled in it. The rest of the staff are aghast for the next thirty seconds as she struggles to extricate her phalanges from the helmet that has become her hair from the overuse of dry shampoo, mixed with the complete and utter absence of actual shampoo. She succeeds and readies herself.

Molly

MOLLY
“Do you remember back in the olden days when they used to put missing children on milk cartons?”

Everyone gently shakes their head in an uneasy but perfect ‘yes’ unison.

Molly

MOLLY
“So Captain Myrrh…”

Dale

DALE
Captain Myrrh?”

Molly

MOLLY
“That’s what he asked me to call him. And we’re his crew.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“Un-be-effing-lievable.”

Molly

MOLLY
“Anyway, Captain Myrrh said that he is the face of the new Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh, and that it was time to introduce him to the public.”

Doug

DOUG
“And how does he plan to do that?”

Molly

MOLLY
“By putting his face on half-gallon milk cartons.”

“Excuse me?” asks literally everyone.

Molly

MOLLY
“You heard me.”

Greg

GREG
“How the… what the…”

Molly

MOLLY
“Apparently, there’s a website called ‘YourFaceOnMilk.com’ where you can have this done.”

larry

LARRY
“Seriously?”

Molly

MOLLY
“Yes. Insert a .jpeg image, write some words to go with it, and then place your order.”

Dale

DALE
“And how many did you order?”

Molly

MOLLY
“Two hundred.”

Dale

DALE
“What?! What the hell are we supposed to do with two hundred half-gallon milk cartons with that buffoon’s face on them?”

Molly

MOLLY
“He wants us each to take a few dozen and plant them in the milk sections of all the local grocery stores as a viral marketing campaign.”

Doug

DOUG
“Are you kidding? That’s not viral, that’s fungal!”

Larry chokes on his coffee, exploding into a heaving fit.

larry

LARRY
“Good one.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“If he thinks that I’m dragging my rear-end all over town to sneak these into stores that don’t even want ‘em, he can kiss my a…”

Molly

MOLLY
“Actually, he’s coming in next week to make sure it’s done to his satisfaction.”

Greg

GREG
“Son of a…”

Doug

DOUG
“Well, at least tell me that you placed the order through HighOrbit so that there’s a paper trail for when this stunt goes south.”

Molly

MOLLY
“He didn’t give me time, Doug. He wanted it ordered right then and there while he was on the phone.”

Doug

DOUG
“Molly. Molly-Molly-Molly… there is always time for HighOrbit. With HighOrbit, we can automatically create a chain of command for the catastrophic failure that this is going to be. The higher-ups would know that this walking wasteland was the one responsible for the idea, approval, and payment.”

Molly

MOLLY
“I know, HighOrbit would have been the best way to do this.”

Dale

DALE
“Well, what’s done is done, I guess. How expensive were they, anyway?”

Molly

MOLLY
“Seventeen thousand dollars.”

Dale

DALE
“WHAT?! How many did you order?!”

Molly

MOLLY
“I only ordered two-hundred!”

Doug

DOUG
“Two-hundred what?”

He races over to Molly’s computer screen to check the e-receipt. When he finds what he’s looking for, he raises his hand to his mouth.

Doug

DOUG
“Oh no.”