Bailey, Frost & Myrrh present
Like sand in the Vaseline, so is a day in the life of the folks at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh. In today’s episode of Business as Usual, Dale smells a rat.
“What the?!”
Dale squeezes his stapler at a perfect forty-five degree angle eleven times into the corner of his “How to Improve Efficiency” report. While it would almost always be a case of operator error with Dale, this time he was in the clear.
Today’s Cast Includes:
DALE FRENCH
Assistant Manager
MOLLY HOBBY
Administrative Assistant
RANDALL
Mailroom
LARRY
Purchasing Manager
GREG
Lead Salesperson
DOUG
Lead Computer Specialist
BRENDA
Customer Service
DALE
“Who the hell stole my staples?”
MOLLY
“Nobody stole your staples, Dale.”
DALE
“Oh yes they did, Molly!”
“May I have your attention please,” announces Dale. “If the person who stole my staples would please come forward, I promise I will deal with you mercifully.” A barely audible but all encompassing laughter emanates from each of the surrounding cubicles, infuriating Dale further.
DALE
“Alright! I’m going to count to…”
RANDALL
“Shut your cookie hole, Dale! You can borrow some of mine.”
DALE
“Ugh! These have four-millimeter staple legs.”
RANDALL
“And that means…what?”
DALE
“It means that they’re too damn small! I need seven-millimeter staple legs for my efficiency reports! They’re too thick for those puny four-millimeter jokes.”
LARRY
“Well maybe you should be more efficient with your efficiency reports, Dale.”
MOLLY
“I might have some bigger staples in my drawer.”
DALE
“What kind?”
MOLLY
“Staple King staples.”
DALE
“Molly, they won’t fit my Springfield Stapler.”
LARRY
“Staple Kings won’t sit snuggly in a Springfield Stapler?”
MOLLY
“I don’t understand why they wouldn’t fit.”
DALE
“Molly! Staples aren’t staples! They have different widths and lengths and girths!”
LARRY
“Girths?”
DALE
“Larry!”
GREG
“What’d I miss?”
RANDALL
“Dale’s crying like a wuss over not having any staples.”
GREG
“Well why not just go buy some yourself?”
DALE
“Buy our own? Are you freaking kidding me?!”
GREG
“Whoa there, Dalester. No need to get your undies in a fist. Just order some through Brenda.”
BRENDA
“I don’t have time for that. And besides, do you know how long it takes to get anything done around here? First, I take time out of my exceptionally busy schedule to write the purchase order. Then that P.O. goes to Molly, where it usually dies an unnaturally slow death underneath that pile of garbage on her desk. Then if by some miracle she actually gets it to Larry in accounting, he’s gotta get it to Randy who does God knows what with it. Then he passes it to Doug in I.T. who turns the paper into an electronic form, which then gets sent to the boss, who has to send it to corporate for approval before it lands back in my inbox to place the order.”
The entire office is in stunned silence, mouths open. It is literally the most Brenda has said at one time in five years. As stunned as anyone, Doug, the antagonistic jackhead ruler of the I.T. department, walks into the room in time to catch the last twenty seconds of Brenda’s diatribe.
DOUG
“You know, it doesn’t have to be nearly as complicated as this.”
MOLLY
“What do you mean, Doug?”
DOUG
“With HighOrbit, we could have an efficient, even automated process in place. Once we have a plan to streamline purchasing, like maybe from Brenda to Molly to Larry to Dale, we can easily set up a system to make getting pens or paper or any office supplies a snap.”
DALE
“How big a snap?”
DOUG
“Say someone needs folders or jump drives. They see Brenda who creates a P.O. She sends it to Molly, and Molly sends it on to Larry if she wants to keep her job. Larry gets it and makes sure there’s enough money in the account before sending it to you, Dale. Now I know you usually like to get approval from corporate to wipe, so you’d think about sending it to them. But all they’re gonna say is, ‘Sure, buy your paper and pens, and quit bothering us with this penny-ante crap,’ which then gives us the opportunity to automate it even further. So the next time you run out of paper clips..”
DALE
“Or staples…”
DOUG
“Or whatever, we can even set up a process to where a purchase order gets automatically generated when your stock drops below, maybe, twenty-five percent.”
BRENDA
“Automatically creates a purchase order?”
DOUG
“Yup.”
BRENDA
“Does that mean less work for me?”
DOUG
“Probably, and a HighOrbit process even alerts the person if they have a task to complete and haven’t done it yet… like literally everything we send to Molly.”
MOLLY
“Hey! That hurts!”
DOUG
“And it also lets management know if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to be doing.”
Almost everyone looks down at his or her shoes. Not being able to see around him, Randy pointed his finger accusatorially at a plant in the corner.
DALE
“I love it! Larry, I’m putting you in charge of this. Make it happen!”
LARRY
“You got it, Dale! You got it! Let me just grab a pen to write this down.”
Larry opens up his desk drawer to dig for his pen, currently buried under the seventeen boxes of staples he’s been slowly pilfering from Dale over the past five months.