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Business As Usual, Episode 11: No Comment

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Bailey, Frost & Myrrh present

Business As Usual
Episode 11:No Comment

Like sand in the Vaseline, so is a day in the life for the folks at Bailey, Frost, ad Myrrh. In today’s episode, nobody squeals!

“You can’t say that.”

Lyndon Johnson, no relation to the deceased thirty-sixth president of the United States, is the in-house council for Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh. He is currently directing the local branch office of BFM on what to include in a news release for which the local media has been clamoring… ever since the recent and infamous “Operation Milk Dump.”

Today’s Cast Includes:

  • DaleDALE FRENCH
    Assistant Manager
  • MollyMOLLY HOBBY
    Administrative Assistant
  • dougDOUG
    Lead Computer Specialist
  • RandallRANDALL
    Customer Service
  • LyndonLYNDON
    Legal

larry

DALE
“What do you mean we can’t say that?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“It implicates you.”

Doug

DOUG
“Implicates us in what?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“We can’t talk about it.”

Molly

MOLLY
“Talk about what?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Nothing.”

Dale

DALE
“Then what are we even doing here?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Exactly.”

Randall

RANDALL
“Wait, are we talking about the milk incident from a couple of weeks ago?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Who is this interloper?!”

Randall

RANDALL
“Who am I? Why I’ll have you know that I am…”

Doug

DOUG
“Unimportant at this moment in time.”

Randall

RANDALL
“That’s uncalled for, Doug!”

Doug

DOUG
“You’re right. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. Interloper.”

“HAHAHAHA,” laughs Dale, Lyndon, and Molly. Again.

Randall

RANDALL
“Stop calling me that!”
[He stands up and runs out of the room]

Dale

DALE
“Now about the wording for the news release.”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“What news release? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Doug

DOUG
“For crying in a bucket, we have to say something!”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“About what?”

Molly

MOLLY
“Ugh!”

Dale

DALE
“Okay, What’s wrong with saying that we’re sorry?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“It implies responsibility.”

Dale

DALE
“But we are responsible.”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“For what?”

Dale

DALE
“Lyndon, we have reporters literally camped out at the front door of the office, trying to climb into my rectum every morning, looking for a comment. How about we simply say it was a mistake.”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“You can’t say that.”

Molly

MOLLY
“How about saying that we accidentally ordered too much milk.”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“You can’t use the ‘M’ word.”

Dale

DALE
“But what about the fact that no animals were harmed when we dumped…”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“No using the ‘D’ word, either.”

Molly

MOLLY
“This is ridiculous! I’m blaming this whole thing on HighOrbit!”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Are you serious?”

Molly

MOLLY
“If HighOrbit hadn’t shot our press release your way, you wouldn’t be here, and we’d be done with this whole thing by now.”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Really? Do you realize that HighOrbit is collectively saving your keisters?”

Dale

DALE
“It is? How?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“When you set up your document approval process with HighOrbit, you had some categories stay completely in your office, others go to corporate, and thank God, you had the good sense to route all press releases through me, your lawyer, the man who is paid more than all of you combined to keep you from putting yourself in further harm’s way.”

Dale

DOUG
“So what?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Look…off the record here, I know you had nothing to do with the utterly moronic idea of putting anything on the side of a milk carton, let alone the face the should-have-been-imprisoned-long-ago malcontent of the Myrrh clan. But the damage is done. Thankfully, no one outside these walls seems to know anything specific. For all I know, whatever it was could have come from up river. And how do we know that it was even milk? That white liquid could have been anything.”

Molly

MOLLY
“Like what?”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Like a horse stable with a collective bladder infection! What difference does it make?”

Dale

DOUG
“You’re sick.”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“No, I’m smart! By some miracle of the universe, not a single person got it on video. Any information that’s been given to these hyena news outlets is pure speculation. And before you had the chance to be all boyscouty and admit to anything in a stupid press release, HighOrbit’s filters caught it and sent it to me for approval. It, and I, are saving you from a literal P.R. nightmare. So with only slightly circumstantial evidence, and not a lick of hard proof, as far as I’m concerned… or as far as any of you are concerned for that matter… nothing happened.”

Dale

DALE
“So no…”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“No.”

Molly

MOLLY
“But what about…

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Absolutely not.”

Dale

DALE
“And…”

Lyndon

LYNDON
“Especially not that.”

The three members of Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh sit back in their chairs, digesting what Lyndon Johnson has just fed them. They look around at each other, slowly realizing that they may just get out of any culpability whatsoever. A sly grin creeps onto their faces. Dale turns to the computer screen on his desk.

Dale

DALE
“Thank you, HighOrbit.”