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Business As Usual, Episode 6: Caught in the Cookie Jar

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Bailey, Frost & Myrrh present

Business As Usual
Episode 6:Caught in the Cookie Jar

Like sand in the Vaseline, so is a day in the life for the folks at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh. In today’s episode, Greg gets spanked… in the pocketbook!

“Good morning, Brenda!”

Greg, the self-titled “Sales God” of Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh, walks through the door with an extra air of confidence this morning, sporting Burberry pants, a black velvet Polo blazer, an Ike Behar starched shirt, and suede Gucci loafers.

Today’s Cast Includes:

  • DaleDALE FRENCH
    Assistant Manager
  • MollyMOLLY HOBBY
    Administrative Assistant
  • RandallRANDALL
    Mailroom
  • larryLARRY
    Purchasing Manager
  • GregGREG
    Lead Salesperson
  • dougDOUG
    Lead Computer Specialist
  • BrendaBRENDA
    Customer Service

Brenda

BRENDA
“What the hell are you so happy about? I would rather endure a sandpaper enema than talk to another customer.”

Greg

GREG
“Got the old annual review with Dale-o-rama. Sales are up 31% in the last month, thanks to yours truly.”

Molly

MOLLY
“That’s great, Greg!”

Greg

GREG
“Thanks, Mol! Had to get some new threads to celebrate.”

larry

LARRY
“Whoa, nice shoes, Gregster! How much did they run ya?”

Greg

GREG
“About half of the gargantuan bonus I’m about to score, Larrance. But keep saving, you’ll get there someday.”

doug

DOUG
“Fifty bucks says you don’t get jack for a bonus.”

Greg

GREG
“Tell you what, Douglas. If I don’t get a bonus, I’ll give you fifty bucks, and my new shoes.”

doug

DOUG
“Dude, you’re so on! What are they, eight? Eight and a half?”

Greg

GREG
“Ten, actually.”

doug

DOUG
“Even better.”

Before Greg can come up with a comeback that won’t be nearly as good as anything Doug can spit out, a voice comes over the office intercom.

Dale

DALE
“Greg, come to my office. Greg?”

Greg

GREG
“And if I win, you pay me fifty. Oh, and I’m taking your shoes, pal!”

Everyone looks down at Doug’s Teva sandals. Randy, the irreverent, irresponsible, and non-irreplaceable department head of… we’re not sure… cackles, spitting a small piece of chewed chocolate muffin onto the strap that covers Doug’s toes. Doug smiles at his new tiny, moist visitor.

doug

DOUG
“I’d leave that there as a little extra gift go Greg. If only he was going to win… which he isn’t.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“How are you so sure he’s screwed?”

Greg

DOUG
“HighOrbit.”

larry

LARRY
“HighOrbit? What’s that?”

Randall

RANDALL
“Larry, are you serious? You’re the one who ordered it.”

larry

LARRY
“I don’t remember. I’m off my meds.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“That explains so much.”

Molly

MOLLY
“Be nice, Brenda.”

doug

DOUG
“HighOrbit, Larry, allows us to design and keep track of literally every process in the office. Purchasing, requisitions, onboarding, you name it. Sadly for Greg, it even keeps track of expense reports, with a list that’s been created, pre-approved, and implemented by corporate.”

Molly

MOLLY
“Like what?”

doug

DOUG
“Your normal stuff. Flights and hotels to out of town meetings, standard meals and entertainment, you name it.”

larry

LARRY
“So what’s the problem with that?”

doug

DOUG
“It also tracks the ones that haven’t been pre-approved by corporate… like a pair of suede loafers from Gucci-dot-com. Size nine.”

“No!” says everyone in unison, even Brenda.

Headshot of Doug

DOUG
“I know absolutely everything this guy’s been doing. Speaking of which, anyone want to hear the carnage?”

Molly

MOLLY
“Oh! Is HighOrbit able to spy on private conversations, too?”

Headshot of Doug

DOUG
“No, Molly, HighOrbit can’t spy on private conversations. But I can as soon as I press the extension into Dale’s office…”

Everyone leans in as the phone’s speaker crackles to life revealing a quite animated conversation between a now-manic Greg and a shrieking Dale.

Dale

DALE
“Just who the hell do you think you are?”

Greg

GREG
“I think I’m the man responsible for 31% growth in the last month! I’m the BMF of BFM! Now where the hell is my money, you bast…”

Dale

DALE
“Your money?! Do you know our branch is fourteen thousand in the hole for the last month?”

Greg

GREG
“And how is that my problem, Dale?”

Dale

DALE
“It’s your problem when you try to pass off a pair of shoes worth more than the GDP of Kazakhstan as a legitimate business expense!”

Greg

GREG
“I gotta look good for the clients! Plus, I was going to pay it back with my Bonus!”

Dale

DALE
“BONUS?! Greg, you have three choices. You can return every article to every store, you can cut a check to Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh to cover what you’ve ‘borrowed,’ or you can clean out your desk!”

Greg

GREG
“I… uh… don’t suppose HighOrbit would have any copies of my receipts, would it?”

Dale

DALE
“As a matter of fact..”
[Dale smiles as he slams an inch-thick stack of pages bearing each and every transgression down in front of Greg.]

Greg stares at them for a second, and then down at his shoes as a tear begins to form in the corner of his left now-twitching eye. He stands up and grabs the stack. He turns towards the door and opens it, not daring to look back at Dale… who is finally happy not to be the one in trouble with corporate.

As Greg exits Dale’s office, the rest of the office scatters like roaches in a Raid factory. He doesn’t notice, as he can’t take his eyes off of his soon-to-be-ex-footwear.

Headshot of Doug

DOUG
“Hey Greg, when you ship those back, can you exchange them for twelves? Those nines are gonna be just too small for my huge feet.”

Greg

GREG
“Wai… but…how did you…”

Headshot of Doug

DOUG
[Holding up all ten of his fingers, with Larry putting up two of his own next to Doug’s. Doug mouths the word]
“Twelves.”

Greg

GREG
“Damn you, HighOrbit”