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Business As Usual, Episode 8: He’s Crackin’ Skulls!

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Bailey, Frost & Myrrh present

Business As Usual
Episode 8: He’s Crackin’ Skulls!!

Like sand in the Vaseline, so is a day in the life for the folks at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh. In today’s episode, death threats!

“Hello, gorgeous.”

Brenda, the should-have-been-fired-years-ago customer service rep at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh is staring up at a goatee’d bald man who’s wearing sunglasses inside and smells like a mixture of gasoline and formaldehyde.

Today’s Cast Includes:

  • DaleDALE FRENCH
    Assistant Manager
  • MollyMOLLY HOBBY
    Administrative Assistant
  • RandallRANDALL
    Mailroom
  • larryLARRY
    Purchasing Manager
  • dougDOUG
    Lead Computer Specialist
  • BrendaBRENDA
    Customer Service
  • Thumb BreakerTHUMB BREAKER

Brenda

BRENDA
“What can I do to you… do for you?”

Thumb Breaker

THUMB BREAKER
“Your boss. Now,” booms the 300lb member of the Satan’s Colon Motorcycle Gang.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“My word. Let me page him for you.”

“Boss, there’s someone here to see you. Boss?”

larry

LARRY
“Who… the #@&$… is that?!”

Randall

RANDALL
“I have no idea.”

Dale

DALE
“Molly! Who is that?!”

Dale… the now-regretful boss at the branch office of Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh… is inadvertently using Molly… the overworked assistant who has not been home to feed her cats in nine days… as a human shield. He has just soiled himself.

Molly

MOLLY
“I don’t know Dale, but I think he’s looking for you.”

Dale

DALE
“Why would you say that?”

Molly

MOLLY
“Because Brenda just paged the boss, and that’s you, boss.”

Dale

DALE
“But that doesn’t mean he’s looking for me. Maybe he’s looking for Larry in accounting, or Doug in I.T., or Randy in… um…”

He and Molly look at each other, smile, and shake their heads “no” in unison. Dale turns back to Quasimodo at the front desk and re-soils himself.

Just then, the front door opens and Greg, the head of sales at Bailey, Frost, and Myrrh, saunters in. He’s the approximate shade of shoe leather, having just spent a week in Bermuda for vacation. His tan is accentuated by his outfit of white linen pants, a white linen shirt, and white slipper-shoes which seem to be made from some sort of linen. He immediately sees David N. Goliath at the front desk.

Greg

GREG
“Howdy, Big Man. Who you lookin’ for?”

Thumb Breaker

GUEST
“The boss,” growls the irritated biker.

Greg

GREG
“Easy,fella. He’s right over…” realizing that Max Pain is not messing around.

Dale

DALE
“Boss! It’s good to see you, how was your vacation?”

Greg

GREG
“Who me?”

His confusion dissipates instantly when Paulie the Punisher turns his attention… and his body… to him.

“Oh ha ha, that’s funny Dale. But everyone knows you’re the boss, man!”

Larry, figuring he’s safe from the poop-storm about to fly from Frankenstein’s fists, comes out of hiding from behind his desk to get a better view. Both Dale and Greg look directly at him.

“Boss!” both Dale and Greg shout at Larry, who has soiled himself by now.

larry

LARRY
“What?! No!”

Randall

RANDALL
[Under his desk]

Molly

MOLLY
[Hiding behind a plant.]

Brenda

BRENDA
[Un-bunning her hair and putting on lip gloss.]

Doug

DOUG
“This is ridiculous. We can figure this out.”

Dale

DALE
“You tell ‘em, boss!”

Doug

DOUG
“Shut up, you wuss!”

Dale

DALE
“Now wait just a…”

Doug

DOUG
“Am I, or am I not the boss, Dale?”

Dale

DALE
“Yes.”

Doug

DOUG
“Say another word, and your fired, pal.”

“Now, what seems to be the issue?” he says facing Mount Frightmore.

Thumb Breaker

SIDNEY PSYCHOPATH
“You owe us fourteen thousand dollars.”

Doug

DOUG
“WHAT?”

Larry spits a mouthful of Mocha Frappuccino across the room, with a few droplets landing on each part of Greg’s “White Album” ensemble.

Greg

GREG
“Oh, son of a…”

Doug

DOUG
“Who do we owe?”

Thumb Breaker

NED NUTCASE
“The Eubanks Corporation.”

Doug

DOUG
“What the hell is that?”

Thumb Breaker

CAPTAIN NO-NECK
“It’s a hazardous waste disposal outfit.”

Greg

GREG
“Oh I remember them! They cleaned the office when Larry clogged the toilet the night after our Christmas Party at the Chinese buffet five years ago.”

larry

LARRY
“I couldn’t help it! It was all you could eat!”

Thumb Breaker

HUMAN HINDENBURG
“And we’ve never been paid. Two thousand for the clean-up, twelve thousand interest.”

Dale

DALE
“How is that even possible? We told you to send Larry the bill.”

larry

LARRY
“I never got a bill! Molly is the one who gives me the invoices!”

Molly

MOLLY
But I never got any from Dale to give you.

Dale

DALE
“But I never got any from Brenda to give to you to give to Larry!”

Brenda

BRENDA
“Don’t you stick this $#!+ on me!”

Greg

GREG
“And don’t look at me, I’m never here.”

Doug

DOUG
“Then that leaves…”

Randall

RANDALL
“It was me! I hid the invoices to get back at Larry to get him in trouble!”

Dale

DALE
“What the holy hell ever made you think that this was a good idea?!”

Randall

RANDALL
“Do you remember where my cube used to be? Next to the bathroom. That avalanche of sewage hit my desk like a tidal wave, destroying the biggest project of my young career. All because Larry inhaled enough Mu Shu to choke a hippo, you selfish bast…”

larry

LARRY
“I’m sorry! It was all you can eat!”

Doug

DOUG
“This whole mess could have been handled if we’d only had HighOrbit.”

Randall

RANDALL
“How could HighOrbit overcome my hijinks?”

Doug

DOUG
“Simple. All we’d have to do is set up the process. Invoice comes in electronically, it bypasses Brenda and goes straight to Molly.”

Brenda

BRENDA
“Got that right.”

Doug

DOUG
“Then Molly can send it to Dale for approval if it’s over a certain dollar amount, or straight to Larry if it’s under.”

Dale

DALE
“But what the hell are we going to do about it now? There’s no way on God’s green earth that we have that kind of money, and that three-hundred-pound thumb breaker is just itching to do grievous bodily harm to all of us!”

Randall

RANDALL
“I’ll take care of it.”

Randall opens his desk drawer to pull out a large manila envelope. He walks over and hands it to Hercules Harrison. The behemoth opens the envelope to find the latest invoice, along with two wads of hundred-dollar bills totaling $14,000. The room rests in stunned silence.

Doug

DOUG
“Uh…”

Randall

RANDALL
“Don’t ask.”